Goodwill to all Men

It is particularly relevant at this time of year, when we celebrate the values of christmas. That we should be mindful of the ways in which our actions or non-actions effect others.

And it seems to be a sad fact of life that when you're a kind person, that kindness is often viewed by others as a sign of weakness, that they can exploit, look-down upon, or violate.

I never understood this, surely kindness should be admired and appreciated when it is encountered, and not be seen as a character flaw in that of the beholder. So, to those, who in 2009, chose to mock my sincerity and reject my charity, no hard feelings. Next year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.

And while making someone else feel bad, in order to make yourself feel good, may bring you temporary relief. It will be just that - temporary! Because it's universal law that we never really get-away with anything we do. Now that does give me peace of mind. Happy New Year.

Men are from Mars Women are from Venus

I've chosen to skim the love bibles, so you don't have to. Firstly, up for review is an oldie but-a-goldie. John Gray's international best seller 'Men are from Mars women are from Venus'.

The book, as suggested by the title, asserts the notion that men and women are as different as beings from other planets. And no amount of pleading on our parts will ever change this fact. This, suggests Gray, is a major reason why problems arise in relationships. Because men expect women to behave more like men, amd women expect men to behave more like women - impossible.

He argues that only when the sexes each acknowledge their differences, will life and relationships become easier and happier.

An example often used to illustrate these differences, is the different way in which men and women supposedly approach arguments. Apparently, during a disagreement with a man, a woman will want to talk about the issue (often till she's blue in the face), until a solution is found. Whereas a man, will often want to withdraw and not talk at all, because they are not as comfortable with discussing their emotions as women are.

Gray suggests that, when a woman wants to continuously communicate (because this is where she feels comfortable), and a man wishes to retreat into his cave. The worst thing she can do is follow him in, ask him what's wrong, and demand they talk. Because nothing at this point will get resolved. And I have observed, ah-hum, that some women in relationships feel as though they have the right to nag to get what they want. While men often use the excuse, that women are over-emotional, so as not to have to communicate at all.

Men are from Mars women are from Venus, is a timeless practical guide to help improve communication between men and women. And Gray is right to highlight that men and women often approach relationships differently. But these differences shouldn't be used to explain away the often extreme differences in expectations that men and women have.

One thing Gray fails to point-out is, that, if your lady keeps on demanding that you need to talk, or your man is more in his cave than out. Maybe you should both go back to your different planets and call it quits. Some things are just not worth arguing about. Good book.

Like a million dollars

After avoiding two attempts at emotional blackmail by men over the weekend. With one, choosing to be rude to me - because he couldn't get his own way. And the other, choosing to ignore me - because he couldn't get his own way.

I decided to try and rise above the negativity, and resurrect what was left of the weekend. So on Saturday night I met up with a friend of mine, whose a life-coach and motivational speaker. And I always know, that if my self-esteem needs a-little boost, he's at hand to give it to me. And before you raise that eyebrow in suspicion, it's purely platonic.

How great it is though, to have a person in your life who tells you how wonderful you are, whose never rude to you, and whose also brutally honest with you, telling it like it is - even when you don't want to hear that often painful truth. A true friend indeed, he always makes me feel like a million dollars.

Lesson Learned: My crown has already been made, I just have to remember to wear it... (Don't laugh).

A Vision of Love

When you're young there's a tendency to believe that everything will just fall into place. You'll get that amazing job, meet the right person, and go-on to live happily ever after, hmmm....

Then as you get older, and begin to realise that your life is not the stuff dreams are made of. It can suddenly dawn on you, that maybe not everyone get's to live the dream - now that can be a bitter pill to swallow.

In terms of relationships-then, should we lower our love expectations, so as not to be too disappointed if the 'one' doesn't show up? Or have they shown up already, but we failed to notice them, because they didn't look, or sound the way we imagined they would.

We all have a vision of love don't we. But if we stick rigidly to that vision, we could end-up excluding an endless sea of possibilities. Stiking to what-we-know, is easy, but does easy, equal growth?

That person could be him, or her. Older or younger, seperated or even have children. Life's complicated. So should we take a chance?

See picture, Gustav Klimt's 'The Kiss' 1907 - truly a vision of love if ever there was one.

Operation Happy Marriage

Worshipping, at the temple of celebrity, has never been a favourite past-time of mine. I never understood, the obsession-some people have with celebrity relationships.

You're not interesting to me, just because you have a hit-record, star in a block buster movie, or, by virtue of your profession - can afford to purchase the entire Autumn collection of over priced Jimmy Choo's.

Rather than analyzing and critiquing somebody else's life experience. I prefer to try and make sense of my own. And if a celebrity relationship, can shed some light onto my own life experience, then it's all good. But if not, it's a waste of time.

There is however, one notable exception. Clever, motivated, inspirational, visionary, in-love. And not to mention, effortlessly stylish-beyond-belief. Enter, team Obama.

Did you know, they celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary, on the 3rd October 2009. With Barack, recently revealing that he still finds time to take Michelle out on a date, on a Saturday night. These two are a revelation. Surely theirs is a story, we should all aspire to. I so want, what they've got.

Mr Big

I get this email - out of the blue yesterday, from a guy I had enjoyed a 'friendship' with some 12 years previous, basically, asking me to get in touch. How he got my email address, I don't know - I didn't have this address, way back when.

Anyhow, he was a contestant on Sir Alan Sugar's 'The Apprentice' on BBC 1 - I won't reveal which one! And, has since done pretty well for himself. But my whole reasoning is, aren't ex's - ex's, for a reason? If it didn't work then-why should it work now? Should you ever give love a second chance?

A friend says, that, we were both young at the time and people change. I'm thinking, that although it probably should - financial success, and even the passage of time, don't necessarily translate into emotional or spiritual maturity, do they.

It would be nice to believe that people change - but do they really? Although I've matured over the years, my personality is pretty much the same as it was way-back-then. And he was a memorable contestant - both in my life and on the show.

Nothing ventured - nothing gained I suppose. Let's see what happens. See picture - Sex And The City's - Carrie, and her Mr Big.

Golddigga - Never that!

I resent the modern-day accusation, that women, who like to be appreciated with tokens of affection, are golddigga's. It should be understood that a gift from a man is a form of communication. And don't get me wrong, it's not the cost of the gift that's important, but the thought and the sentiment it brings.

Men, don't you feel good when you hand over that little black box, containing those earrings, on christmas morn - (or any other time of the year - come to think of it). Or watching your lady, unwrap that rare book - you sourced for her B-day.

Show your appreciation - we're so worth it!!!

Don't call me babe

So I went on the date from hell last week. Why hell you ask? Did he commit some unspeakable act, take me to some God-forsaken place, or even, suggest I do something against my will?

No, it's worse than that - he called me babes all night. I hate being called babes. It's so unimaginative, not to mention pretencious, monosyllabic and boring.

I'm listening - anything else... No, didn't think so. I'll never settle for anyone who calls me babe.

Rihanna and Chris

This week saw Rihanna break her silence regarding that-incident with her now ex-boyfriend - Chris Brown. During the interview (with abc's Diane Sawyer), she implied that it wasn't the first time Brown had hit her. And she also acknowledged her mistake in getting back with him, in the first few weeks after the assault.

The whole situation got me wondering why we often, stay in relationships, that make us feel nothing but sadness? Is it that within us all, lies a secret fear of being alone? Do we possess an inner emptiness - which we believe, can only be filled with the attentions of another person - even if, that person is bad for us? Do we sometimes, hopelessly cling on, when there's really nothing worth clinging onto?

Or do we simply believe that life is more bearable, if we have someone to share the up's and downs with? The problem with that theory is, the downs are more often than not, caused by the person your in the relationship with.

At least she left. It was probably a management decision though. They know she's a role-model for many young women. She couldn't stay, it would have sent out such a bad message to other women who may find themselves in similar situations.

We shouldn't feel the need to be with just anybody should we? - better to seek the right somebody, or be alone - no?

She claims to be stronger, wiser and more aware. And in speaking-out, she's become a powerful advocate for victims of domestic violence. One things-for-sure, the next guy she dates, will think twice before messing with her.

David 'The Heartbreaker' Haye

Guys, I think I'm in love. OK, love may be over-stating the case just a little bit. But I'm sure I felt that elusive feeling for-all-of-about, half an hour on Wednesday evening.

What is she babbling on about - you may be asking? Well as some of you may know I am on placement at the Daily Mirror newspaper in Canary Wharf at the moment. And on Wednesday I got to meet and interview (well I held the dictaphone, while an experienced journalist did the interviewing) - the hayemaker himself. Yes David 'heartbreaker' Haye, the undefeated British heavyweight, at his training studio in Vauxhall.

This is all-ahead of his big fight next month, against Nikolai Valuev, the 7 foot 2 Russian giant, for the World title.

Picture the scene, music blaring, top off (his -not mine). And after being introduced - receiving eye contact, a kiss and a hand-shake, (swoon), the interview commenced.

And I must say, I was impressed. Not only was he physically-beautiful-beyond belief, but articulate and gracious too.

I found myself having to mentally repeat the phrase, 'no impure thoughts', 'no impure thoughts' - over and over again.

I must add here though, that (alas) the Hayemaker is in a long-term relationship. But if this is the calibre of men that I get to meet, doing this whole journalism thing - I want in.

Is living together before you're married...a bad idea?

So, there's this modern day trend of living together before your married, err why? I'm 30 years old, and I've never lived with a man. It's such a big step, and a sure fire way to kill romance no?

Part of the excitement of a relationship is the mystery, the unpredictability, the longing. That feeling of not being able to wait until you set eyes on your beloved. That can't be achieved, if you're exposed - on a daily basis, to all the things that make us human - if you know what I mean.

Remember the sentiment, if you love something set it free - familiarity breeds contempt, doesn't it?, or worse still - indifference.

So is it then best, to leave living together, until you've faithfully, and 'officially' - promised to 'I-do'.

The way we were

Here's a question for you: what makes you happy?, is it what you own, or what you experience?

This is the question I was left wondering after watching 'The Way We Were', on DVD last Saturday night.

Remember the film, Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford, play 2 star-crossed lovers. Theirs is a love story sparked by the attraction of opposites, but is so destined to fail because... their just too different!

She's a politico, he's a jock. She wants social-justice, he wants to make it big in Hollywood. They're so in love - but it'll never work. And no amount of screaming at the screen (on my part), will make any difference.

They view life so differently. Her measure of success, is in the 'difference' she can make. His-is-in, how much money he can make. They are destined to go their separate ways...and they do.

They say Love conquers all-I'm not so sure. Good film.

Do men always go for...the easy option?

I know alot of single women. These are hard-working, clever women, who spend many saturday nights alone. While the slappers and air-heads of this world-never seem to be without a date. But why is this?

Is it that you have to 'dress' for love? Although a woman wants to be respected for her mind and all that, upon first meeting you, a man cannot 'see' how clever you are. But notices the physical. It's as simple as that. Sorry, not very (PC) I know, but it works the same way for women doesn't it?

And I can hear women-now, saying, I shouln't have to dress like a slut to get a man's attention. Which is so...right, but a good first impression counts. So dress for love-to attract love.

Trainers should be, just for that...training! (he, he, Lol...)

Equality is fine in the workplace, but not in romance.

So we're having a drink the other day and the subject of , what do you expect from a man on a 1st date-comes up. For the guy to organize where we go and what we do-I say. Not to have to get up India says. For the man to pay, adds Vanessa. 'Wow', says Toaks, nodding his head.

From our responses it seems that we have a clear idea of what we expect. Is it true then, that women expect equality in the workplace - but not in romance?

'Women have double standards, you want to be respected for your thinking, and cherished for your feelings-all at the same time. Men don't know what to do' (Joshua 28)

'Why is it that women expect that the money they earn is theirs, but the money I earn is ours' ?  (Shem 22)

I don't know about you, but I think it takes a very special man to treat a woman like a lady. If I was treated in-any-way unequally at work I'd be furious, but in matter's of the heart, it can never be equal.

Men, are we that difficult to understand!

Can men and women ever be...just friends?

Why do women always think that you want their man? Just because you find him attractive doesn't necessarily mean I do! Under the right circumstances, I'll flirt with anyone - it doesn't have to mean anything. It's not a declaration of love or a statement of intent - it's just flirting.

I'd been friends with my friend Richard for 15 years, until he met 'the - one', and while we had engaged in the odd flirtation from time-to-time, it never became more than that. But from that moment on she controlled everything, and it was constantly 'access denied' - our friendship had all but ceased to exist.

Was I such a threat - can men and women ever be... just friends? My friend Leoni thinks they can't, she says that men and women can never be only friends because 'sex gets in the way of everything', and although he's your friend - if he doesn't make a move your left wondering if he finds you attractive or not.

So I'm left with the memories of the friendship we once had, and no explanation from him as to why our friendship had to end. One things for sure though - she got a great guy. I miss you rich.

The g man

No word of a lie - this is an actual telephone conversation I had with a guy who I met and exchanged numbers with the previous week - this is how it went.

Phone rings:

Me: Hello

g: Hey how u doing

Me: I'm good, what u upto?

g: What u got planned today, you want any company?

Me: Company... company for what?

g: I don't know, a shoulder to lean on

Me: I always need a shoulder to lean on - are we going out?

g: I don't take women out in this weather!

Me: why what's wrong with the weather?

g: It's cold

Me: cold - this is england, it's cold for 8 months of the year - so for 8 months of the year you won't take a woman anywhere?

g: (silence, then)... no no sorry babes, I do, I do, where do u wanna go?

Me: Nowhere! (in a disgusted tone)

g: (silence, then)... ok, well if u change your mind call me innit

Me: Yeah... of course!!!

Needless to say that was the last time I spoke to the 'g' man...

Such a cliche

Do men pretend you have a future in order to get what they want in the present? My recent experience says yes. So I meet this guy and everythings going great - or so I thought. He was everything a girl could want - or so I thought. Good looking, attentive, polite and very, very gifted if you know what I mean.

I thought finally, lady luck had smiled on me. Then suddenly about 8 weeks in, Mr couldn't get enough turns into Mr nowhere to be found. And I'm left wondering what went wrong? Dazed, and just a little confused, I track down - yes track down Mr 'congeniality', only to be told 'babes, it's not you it's me'.

Can you believe he said that, how embarrassing, he drops the oldest line in the book, and I'm left literally having to pick my jaw up from off the ground.

Why can't men just be honest from the start? Just say something like 'look I'm not looking for a friend or a companion - I'm not interested in getting to know you on any deep personal level and I definitely don't want a relationship'. At least then I would know where I stood, and could decide whether or not to get involved. It would save alot of heartache.

It's difficult to stay upbeat and positive about dating when the bad experiences pile up. That is until this weekend, and guess what - I've got a date!

Ten things I hate about you

- You never randomly buy me flowers - just because you can

- You don't always 'spoon' after sex

- You don't tell me you love me unless asked the question first

- You don't think about me - all the time

- You don't stop looking at other women

- You assume that I just wake up looking like this - it takes time

- You don't call as much

- You don't take me dancing

- You think being in love means never having to say your sorry

- You don't know how good you make me feel

Poker face

Why can't I read people - people? If you tell me something I believe it. I'm too trusting! In a world where only surface matters - will I ever have a deep and meaningful?

Give some people enough rope and they'll hang themselves. I've heard it all before, they've had better, seen better, can do better. They insist on trying to dim your shine. Let me be me, I'm different, believe me when i say it. You'll see it.

Man never acknowledges the fact that more often than not he sows the seeds of his own destruction. Including me.

Over and out

It's fair to say that sometimes in life you meet people who will be in your life forever, and then there are others who won't. And no matter how much you try to alter the fact - the outcome remains the same. Have you ever had the feeling that no matter what you say or what you do, it's never enough? You push-they pull, you give-they take, you stop-they go, it's exhausting!

But even though humanity sometimes let's us down, we will never give up on humanity. Breathe and stop.

Focus this blog

I've decided im gonna focus this blog around 21st century relationships. That is any type of relationship, be it boy - girl, man - woman, sibling or parental, or even just plain old friendship. Cause if home is 'right' everythings 'right'. Michael Jackson once said if he knew that he was loved at the beginning of his life and at the end then everything else in between could be dealt with. People please be open to the true healing power of love. So what is love, i think its the ability to extend yourself for the 'good' of another person. Love is not selfish and it never keeps score - it's always in the red. Catch is an act of love.

Catch-thus far

So were 8 weeks into the Catch 22 experience, has it been what I expected? well yes and no. Yes, cause the level of intensity means that i've had to hit the ground running. Which means that i'm in my comfort zone-I do like a bit of pressure, although admittedly I do drop some balls from time to time. But I also like a bit of pleasure-which means I like idling. Not a good trait if you wanna work in a deadline tight environment I guess. And thats what's been surprising about catch, and not what I expected. They are quite unforgiving about deadlines, and I was told recently 'we'd rather that you drop on your face here, than at a placement'. Fair enough I guess.

I feel as though i've done pretty well so far, o'k, admittedly I could have tried harder on some occasions but if a placement is dependant upon effort and potential, I deserve it. My biggest aim was to learn how to write journalistically rather than academically, and I am definately doing this. I sort of get it now, Journalism is about communication, but it's more about how to effectively communicate, whatever it is you want to communicate, in a chatty informal style-almost like you are writing in a journal.

So 4 weeks left, we've done so much already and i've learnt a-lot. It's been a truly valuable experience-whatever happens.